Jason Whitlock is taking issue with Jim Calhoun's weekend press conference spat in connection with a question regarding his salary.
Jim Calhoun's "got to feed his family," too.
[Let the misplaced analogizing begin!]
Sprewell submarined the last few years of his NBA career when he foolishly claimed insult over a three-year, $27 million contract offer from the T-Wolves and uttered words that live in infamy: "I got to feed my family." Calhoun blabbered words equally as brainless on Saturday when a citizen journalist/activist slipped into Calhoun's postgame news conference and wondered how Calhoun felt about being the state's highest-paid employee when the state is going bankrupt and government employees are being terminated, laid off, pink-slipped and separated from their health insurance.
[These are two fairly different situations, right? (1) A guy responding to an *offered* amount of money, and (2) a guy responding to a query about an amount of money he *already* makes (as a result of a bilaterally negotiated contract). But, yeah, let's just pretend they are the same. It's easier that way.]
But Sprewell and Calhoun share a common characteristic.
[Ummm, that they were/are both prominent basketball figures?]
They deserted reality years ago and have a deep belief in their own importance.
[That was my next guess!]
Only arrogance and greed would make a man take the bait. Calhoun believes he's underpaid. That's why he ranted about his basketball program generating $12 million.
[Let the fist-shaking begin!]
Jim Calhoun is doing the entire state of Connecticut a gigantic favor funneling kids through the academic charade and winning basketball games for the entertainment of alumnus, boosters, faculty and students.
[I know Whitlock is being sarcastic here, but hasn't he kind of stumbled upon the kill-shot to his own tirade? For a state that is "going bankrupt," isn't Calhoun ACTUALLY doing said state a "gigantic favor" by generating $12 million dollars while only be paid about 10% of that amount?? Seems like the state would welcome that kind of return, no?]
No one wants Calhoun to refund any of his money.
[Then what's the point of this article? That Calhoun needs sensitivity training? Great scoop.]
Calhoun isn't Roger Goodell.... Goodell recently accepted a 20 percent pay cut from his $11 million salary. Does Roger feel your pain? Maybe. Maybe not. He's probably just negotiating with the NFLPA. Goodell's league is headed toward an economic showdown with its players. He'll soon be asking the players to take a lot less than what they're expecting, and he'll be able to say he's in the same boat.
[Again, something that Calhoun will NOT have to do. He's a state employee.]
Goodell is smart. Calhoun is arrogant and delusional.
[Why do I even bother reading this stuff? Where is Nils already? Stop making me read Whitlock.]
And I'm equally sure that Geno Auriemma, Connecticut's women's coach, and his peers were Calhoun's most frequent callers. The most passionate supporters of Title IX are the overpaid women's basketball coaches who play in front of volleyball crowds and get paid every two weeks as if they're filling Michigan's football Big House.
[We get it! You have a problem with coaches' salaries.]
I don't have a problem with the salaries of coaches....
[hjsdfnldfasnloeruihoanlkdmadsfljkmceo
Sorry. I just hurled my laptop out of the window. Surprisingly sturdy.]
I have a problem when coaches/athletes lose touch with reality, rub their ble$$ing in our faces and carry themselves like they're above being queried about the economic flaw in our democracy.
[Whitlock doesn't have a "problem" with coaches' salaries, he only thinks that they are an "economic flaw in our democracy."
(re-opening window...)]
Showing posts with label jason whitlock. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jason whitlock. Show all posts
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Hyperbole = No Match for Jason Whitlock
An Inauguration-themed piece by Mr. Whitlock.
A half-black, half-white American president is stealing the spotlight this week, but Raheem Morris truly pulled off the impossible and proved just how far we've come in terms of racial equality.
[There's more....]
You want real proof of America's racial progress? Take a look at what just transpired with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers....
[One more....]
OK, so maybe Obama has a bit more on his plate than a couple of football coaches. I'm still more impressed with Morris' rise than Obama's.
[I've got nothing.]
[P.S. Who is Raheem Morris again?]
A half-black, half-white American president is stealing the spotlight this week, but Raheem Morris truly pulled off the impossible and proved just how far we've come in terms of racial equality.
[There's more....]
You want real proof of America's racial progress? Take a look at what just transpired with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers....
[One more....]
OK, so maybe Obama has a bit more on his plate than a couple of football coaches. I'm still more impressed with Morris' rise than Obama's.
[I've got nothing.]
[P.S. Who is Raheem Morris again?]
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Jason Whitlock: Vol. 8
I will give Whitlock credit for sticking by his guy McNabb a few months ago when most other writers were calling for his head. But, let's take it easy a bit, Mr. Whitlock.
Somehow I think football fans will remember McNabb for leading the Eagles to five NFC championship games in 10 years more than they'll remember a regular-season tie at Cincinnati.
[Agreed. Or at least fans *should* remember him more for that.]
He's not Tom Brady (or even Peyton Manning). But McNabb is a winner, the third-best quarterback of his era. (I don't include Brett Favre in McNabb's era.)
[Huh? Ignoring the substance of his list, why doesn't he include Favre in McNabb's era? Does this make sense to anyone??]
I place McNabb slightly ahead of Kurt Warner because Warner spent the middle five seasons of his 11-year career looking like an Arena League flash-in-the-pan.
[I think he means the middle *three* seasons-- Warner was MVP in 2001.]
If Warner and the Cardinals win on Sunday, McNabb will fall to No. 4 on my list behind Captain Kurt.
[Makes sense. Warner is currently behind McNabb because of five (allegedly) poor seasons. But if his team beats McNabb's team in ONE GAME, then Warner will jump McNabb on the list. QED.]
But if McNabb gets the Birds past Arizona and wins the Super Bowl, then you might hear me arguing that McNabb is Peyton Manning's equal.
[Sorry. I know Whitlock argues that McNabb never had the same level of supporting cast as Peyton, which is likely true (not nearly enough, however, to make up for the MASSIVE statistical difference between the two). But if we are going to compare value, why not start with something simple that brings inherent value to your team: actually playing in games. In his eleven year career, Peyton has averaged 16 games per (regular) season-- that's EVERY game. In his ten year career, McNabb has averaged just over 13 games per season. Put another way, McNabb has missed, on average, nearly 20% of his team's regular season games throughout his career.]
One more unrelated point from Whitlock in his column:
I have the perfect solution for Carolina's Jake Delhomme problem: Nate Davis.
[Fumbles >> Interceptions. Apparently.]
Somehow I think football fans will remember McNabb for leading the Eagles to five NFC championship games in 10 years more than they'll remember a regular-season tie at Cincinnati.
[Agreed. Or at least fans *should* remember him more for that.]
He's not Tom Brady (or even Peyton Manning). But McNabb is a winner, the third-best quarterback of his era. (I don't include Brett Favre in McNabb's era.)
[Huh? Ignoring the substance of his list, why doesn't he include Favre in McNabb's era? Does this make sense to anyone??]
I place McNabb slightly ahead of Kurt Warner because Warner spent the middle five seasons of his 11-year career looking like an Arena League flash-in-the-pan.
[I think he means the middle *three* seasons-- Warner was MVP in 2001.]
If Warner and the Cardinals win on Sunday, McNabb will fall to No. 4 on my list behind Captain Kurt.
[Makes sense. Warner is currently behind McNabb because of five (allegedly) poor seasons. But if his team beats McNabb's team in ONE GAME, then Warner will jump McNabb on the list. QED.]
But if McNabb gets the Birds past Arizona and wins the Super Bowl, then you might hear me arguing that McNabb is Peyton Manning's equal.
[Sorry. I know Whitlock argues that McNabb never had the same level of supporting cast as Peyton, which is likely true (not nearly enough, however, to make up for the MASSIVE statistical difference between the two). But if we are going to compare value, why not start with something simple that brings inherent value to your team: actually playing in games. In his eleven year career, Peyton has averaged 16 games per (regular) season-- that's EVERY game. In his ten year career, McNabb has averaged just over 13 games per season. Put another way, McNabb has missed, on average, nearly 20% of his team's regular season games throughout his career.]
One more unrelated point from Whitlock in his column:
I have the perfect solution for Carolina's Jake Delhomme problem: Nate Davis.
[Fumbles >> Interceptions. Apparently.]
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Jason Whitlock: Vol. 7
I know, I know. We just did a Whitlock piece this morning. But for all of the fun we have with Whitlock, we also like to note when he happens to point out something worthwhile, like he did in his most recent article for FoxSports (amidst his usual nonsense).
As you know, I've defended Favre all season. I thought the Packers made a mistake letting him go (and they did). I desperately wanted Favre to have a big season in New York.
[VERY little chatter from prominent Favre-huggers in the sports media (other than the "will he retire?" nonsense). One Schrute Buck for Whitlock for taking his medicine.]
It didn't happen. He tossed 22 TDs and 22 INTs, and with the season on the line against the Dolphins and Chad Pennington, "White T.O." tossed three picks and one TD.
[BRUTAL performance.]
To make matters worse, we learned from Jay Glazer that Favre didn't enjoy playing for Eric Mangini because the Jets coach had the audacity to question Favre's decision-making in front of teammates.
[Bingo. Hardly a mention of this in any of the mainstream coverage. I heard that report after the game and thought, "Wow, prima dona much? Maybe I won't buy that pair of Wranglers after all."]
How dare Mangini hold Favre accountable for throwing stupid interceptions? Glazer's report came on the heels of Favre breaking news (or rationalizing a poor season) that his shoulder was dead.
[Wow. Am I becoming a Jason Whitlock fan??]
Belichick is likely to get a big laugh this offseason when some team overpays for Cassel during the free-agent season. Cassel is all smoke and mirrors. The Patriots won their last four games, beating Seattle, Oakland, Arizona and Buffalo. Cassel isn't very good.
[It's happening!]
The inevitable off-season Cassel "saga" will be my favorite pointless piece of the spring/summer. Would you want franchise tag a guy (paying him well over $10MM for next season to probably sit on the bench) or sign a guy to a big-money long-term deal who (with the privilege of throwing to Moss and Welker) compiled 3,693 yards (8th in the NFL), a 63.4 comp.% (11th in the NFL), 21 TDs (10th in the NFL) and 11 INTs (14th most in the NFL)?? Oh, and did I mention that he compiled those barely-above-league-average stats against the weakest schedule in the entire NFL this season?
As you know, I've defended Favre all season. I thought the Packers made a mistake letting him go (and they did). I desperately wanted Favre to have a big season in New York.
[VERY little chatter from prominent Favre-huggers in the sports media (other than the "will he retire?" nonsense). One Schrute Buck for Whitlock for taking his medicine.]
It didn't happen. He tossed 22 TDs and 22 INTs, and with the season on the line against the Dolphins and Chad Pennington, "White T.O." tossed three picks and one TD.
[BRUTAL performance.]
To make matters worse, we learned from Jay Glazer that Favre didn't enjoy playing for Eric Mangini because the Jets coach had the audacity to question Favre's decision-making in front of teammates.
[Bingo. Hardly a mention of this in any of the mainstream coverage. I heard that report after the game and thought, "Wow, prima dona much? Maybe I won't buy that pair of Wranglers after all."]
How dare Mangini hold Favre accountable for throwing stupid interceptions? Glazer's report came on the heels of Favre breaking news (or rationalizing a poor season) that his shoulder was dead.
[Wow. Am I becoming a Jason Whitlock fan??]
Belichick is likely to get a big laugh this offseason when some team overpays for Cassel during the free-agent season. Cassel is all smoke and mirrors. The Patriots won their last four games, beating Seattle, Oakland, Arizona and Buffalo. Cassel isn't very good.
[It's happening!]
The inevitable off-season Cassel "saga" will be my favorite pointless piece of the spring/summer. Would you want franchise tag a guy (paying him well over $10MM for next season to probably sit on the bench) or sign a guy to a big-money long-term deal who (with the privilege of throwing to Moss and Welker) compiled 3,693 yards (8th in the NFL), a 63.4 comp.% (11th in the NFL), 21 TDs (10th in the NFL) and 11 INTs (14th most in the NFL)?? Oh, and did I mention that he compiled those barely-above-league-average stats against the weakest schedule in the entire NFL this season?
Jason Whitlock: Vol. 6
We haven't checked in on Whitlock in a while. Let's see what he thought about last night's Alamo Bowl, which was won by Missouri.
I’m sorry to rain on the parade scheduled for Columbia today to celebrate the 10-4 Tigers. But I expected more.
[Awww.]
Northwestern proved Missouri is a fraud.
[Ouch.]
The Tigers’ over-the-top celebration let us know that they know they’ve been overrated and overhyped, benefactors of Bill Snyder, cupcake scheduling.
[OK. Disappointed in the season. I get it.]
What should we call the Missouri Tigers?
[Ummm, overrated and overhyped?]
I’m not sure.
[Oh, OK. I just thought that you said....]
On a night when the Tigers should’ve simply thrown the ball to Chase Coffman 20 times, Mizzou’s big tight end caught seven passes for 67 yards.
["Thrown to" and "passes caught" are two different things. Just ask TO.]
We might one day remember Coffman as the Michael Jordan of college football and Christensen as Dean Smith. Christensen might be the only man capable of holding Coffman to fewer than 10 receptions a game.
[I was thinking the exact same thing.]
I’m sorry to rain on the parade scheduled for Columbia today to celebrate the 10-4 Tigers. But I expected more.
[Awww.]
Northwestern proved Missouri is a fraud.
[Ouch.]
The Tigers’ over-the-top celebration let us know that they know they’ve been overrated and overhyped, benefactors of Bill Snyder, cupcake scheduling.
[OK. Disappointed in the season. I get it.]
What should we call the Missouri Tigers?
[Ummm, overrated and overhyped?]
I’m not sure.
[Oh, OK. I just thought that you said....]
On a night when the Tigers should’ve simply thrown the ball to Chase Coffman 20 times, Mizzou’s big tight end caught seven passes for 67 yards.
["Thrown to" and "passes caught" are two different things. Just ask TO.]
We might one day remember Coffman as the Michael Jordan of college football and Christensen as Dean Smith. Christensen might be the only man capable of holding Coffman to fewer than 10 receptions a game.
[I was thinking the exact same thing.]
Monday, December 22, 2008
Jason Whitlock: Vol. 5
Busy day on The Theorem (now that Nils has emerged from his coma). Let's keep it going with another gem from one of our favorites.
I see Tommy Tuberville as the lone victim in the Gene Chizik-Turner Gill-Charles Barkley controversy surrounding Auburn football.
[I have to agree with Whitlock here. Tuberville had a great tenure at Auburn. The firing seemed pretty reactionary to one sub-par season.]
If his name was Tommy Obama and his father was an irresponsible Kenyan, there would be blood filling the streets of Alabama this week.
[Well, agreeing with Whitlock was fun while it lasted. I have no idea where he's going with this analogy. I'm pretty sure that Obama lost Alabama in resounding fashion. Although, maybe "Tommy" Obama isn't a metaphorical person, but is actually some dude that Whitlock knows, and who happens to be all the rage in Alabama.]
OK, now that I have your attention, buckle up.
[Yes....]
We're going to travel deep into the college football-black coaches maze.
[Deep? I thought there were only like five black coaches? Whatever, I am buckled. Let's do this.]
It's an important topic, an issue that should be addressed with a level of sophistication and honesty that a Hall of Fame basketball player and rabble-rouser can't muster.
[That's right. Sorry, Barkley, but such an important issue can only be sufficiently analyzed by a professional journalist with well thought-out and articulated theories on the subject.]
Turner Gill, the black head football coach at Buffalo, is one of the most promising coaches in the game. He has a chance to be a superstar. Auburn wasn't the right "fit" for Gill.
[Nailed it! Journalism and/or race-relations award, please!]
Unlike pro football, and pro and college basketball, you don't really land college football jobs with your resume.
[For example, did you know that Charlie Weis landed the ND job solely because he and then-AD Kevin White both loved Bon Jovi? Or that Joe Paterno just landed his 3-year extension because he correctly answered the "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten" question?]
Turner Gill is not ready for the BCS. He's had one winning season in three as a head coach. His signature victory — an upset of Ball State in the MAC championship — came on a night when his opponent gave the game away with turnovers.
[Obviously. Because Ball State is AWESOME. They committed those turnovers on purpose. That championship game was beneath them. Pshawww.]
There was no coaching masterpiece. Skin color and a 15-22 record don't qualify you to coach in the SEC.
[Seemed to do the trick for Gene Chizik, no?]
Let me repeat: Turner Gill has all the necessary ingredients to be a coaching star. He could be the black Urban Meyer if we allow Gill to develop.
[Huh?]
Urban Meyer introduced an offensive system (the spread), molded two mid-major programs (Bowling Green and Utah) into squads that routinely whipped BCS schools and then jumped to Florida and the SEC.
[That last sentence can be described as "highly exaggerated" if we are willing to be generous. Meyer introduced the spread? To whom?]
Whitlock spends the rest of the article slinging arrows at the Ball State administration. Non sequiturs. Professional journalism.
I see Tommy Tuberville as the lone victim in the Gene Chizik-Turner Gill-Charles Barkley controversy surrounding Auburn football.
[I have to agree with Whitlock here. Tuberville had a great tenure at Auburn. The firing seemed pretty reactionary to one sub-par season.]
If his name was Tommy Obama and his father was an irresponsible Kenyan, there would be blood filling the streets of Alabama this week.
[Well, agreeing with Whitlock was fun while it lasted. I have no idea where he's going with this analogy. I'm pretty sure that Obama lost Alabama in resounding fashion. Although, maybe "Tommy" Obama isn't a metaphorical person, but is actually some dude that Whitlock knows, and who happens to be all the rage in Alabama.]
OK, now that I have your attention, buckle up.
[Yes....]
We're going to travel deep into the college football-black coaches maze.
[Deep? I thought there were only like five black coaches? Whatever, I am buckled. Let's do this.]
It's an important topic, an issue that should be addressed with a level of sophistication and honesty that a Hall of Fame basketball player and rabble-rouser can't muster.
[That's right. Sorry, Barkley, but such an important issue can only be sufficiently analyzed by a professional journalist with well thought-out and articulated theories on the subject.]
Turner Gill, the black head football coach at Buffalo, is one of the most promising coaches in the game. He has a chance to be a superstar. Auburn wasn't the right "fit" for Gill.
[Nailed it! Journalism and/or race-relations award, please!]
Unlike pro football, and pro and college basketball, you don't really land college football jobs with your resume.
[For example, did you know that Charlie Weis landed the ND job solely because he and then-AD Kevin White both loved Bon Jovi? Or that Joe Paterno just landed his 3-year extension because he correctly answered the "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten" question?]
Turner Gill is not ready for the BCS. He's had one winning season in three as a head coach. His signature victory — an upset of Ball State in the MAC championship — came on a night when his opponent gave the game away with turnovers.
[Obviously. Because Ball State is AWESOME. They committed those turnovers on purpose. That championship game was beneath them. Pshawww.]
There was no coaching masterpiece. Skin color and a 15-22 record don't qualify you to coach in the SEC.
[Seemed to do the trick for Gene Chizik, no?]
Let me repeat: Turner Gill has all the necessary ingredients to be a coaching star. He could be the black Urban Meyer if we allow Gill to develop.
[Huh?]
Urban Meyer introduced an offensive system (the spread), molded two mid-major programs (Bowling Green and Utah) into squads that routinely whipped BCS schools and then jumped to Florida and the SEC.
[That last sentence can be described as "highly exaggerated" if we are willing to be generous. Meyer introduced the spread? To whom?]
Whitlock spends the rest of the article slinging arrows at the Ball State administration. Non sequiturs. Professional journalism.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Jason Whitlock is an Insane Person: Vol. 4
Whitlock wrote this "article" last week, but I needed the entire holiday weekend to let it fully soak in.
My goal as a journalist/columnist is to be right about issues others don't see coming or don't have the courage/intellect to address.
[Let's remember he started the article with this "goal," shall we?]
Ball State's football season perfectly illustrated my problem with ESPN and why I believe the World Wide Leader is the most evil and destructive force in the sports world.
[Remember when ESPN fired you in September 2006? Yeah, I bet this has nothing to do with that. Not at all.]
ESPN is the enemy of the truth, and all who believe a pursuit of the truth is the lifeblood of a genuinely free society must stand against the Wal-Mart-ization of sports journalism.
[Enemy of truth?? Heavy stuff. Whitlock must have a grave and sober reason for reaching such a critical and stern conclusion....]
I reached this conclusion when trying to figure out why Ball State quarterback Nate Davis isn't one of the top-five Heisman Trophy candidates and Ball State coach Brady Hoke isn't the front-runner for national coach of the year.
[Yep, sounds about right.]
Do not laugh.
[No, sorry. I'm not. I just have a tickle in my throat. Honest.]
I'm cold and rational now when I tell you that Nate Davis is the best player in college football....
[I bet that Whitlock has plenty of relevant and objective evidence to support this claim.]
It's difficult to believe now, but in 1982 the 10 top vote-getters were all actually really, really good college football players: Herschel Walker, John Elway, Eric Dickerson, Anthony Carter, David Rimington, Todd Blackledge, Tom Ramsey, Tony Eason, Dan Marino and Mike Rozier.
[OK??]
Since 2000, here are your Heisman Trophy winners: Chris Weinke, Eric Crouch, Carson Palmer, Jason White, Matt Leinart, Reggie Bush, Troy Smith and Tim Tebow.
[OK, I get it. Playing QB = sucking at college football. It's a good thing that Whitlock isn't currently touting a Q-- oh.....]
The conversation about the Heisman Trophy and all things in sports has been dumbed down by the World Wide Leader. This year the network pretty much decided you had to play quarterback in the Big 12 to be in consideration for the Heisman Trophy.
[Totally agree. ESPN's conscious decision to promote three random QBs from the midwest (a huge ratings hotbed) actually caused McCoy, Bradford and Harrell to put up monster numbers. It's science.]
Here's what's more frustrating. Not one of the Big 12's quarterbacks is in the same physical ballpark as Ball State's Nate Davis. It's not close.
[Putting aside the fact that that statement is false (Sam Bradford is 6'-4", 220 lbs -- who's the enemy of truth now??), I didn't realize that Heisman voters were supposed to take the oft-overlooked "physical ballpark" trait into consideration when selecting a winner. Shows how much I know.]
They can't match his resume. Getting Ball State to 12-0 under the best circumstances is far more difficult than getting Oklahoma to 11-1. I know Ball State's schedule isn't as difficult as Oklahoma's. I also know Bradford is surrounded by far more talent than Davis.
[LOGIC FAIL.]
Nate Davis has the tools to be better than Tom Brady.
[jnadsuiosdafnjkl;ladfnanjlka;lmkoin
Sorry. I just blacked out and hit my forehead on the keyboard.]
If you watch Nate Davis play, he looks like the second coming of Brett Favre.
[lknmdasbnf nmadnf;lasdfnnl;kadfn
I am going to put on a padded head-band for the duration of this article.
If these comparisons are true, how the hell could ESPN have missed this guy!?!]
Now, ESPN2 has broadcast Ball State's last four games.
[Oh.]
Let me tell you what passes for courage and independent thinking at ESPN. Chris Fowler dropped Ball State out of his AP top-25 ballot last week....
[(shaking fist towards sky) FOWLER!!!]
He has never been a professional journalist a day in his life.
[Exactly. C'mon, Fowler! Act like a freakin' professional for once! Here, watch and learn from a true pro....]
I'm not 100 percent sure, but I'd suspect he hasn't worn a jock since junior high school.
[Jason Whitlock: Professionalism incarnate.]
My goal as a journalist/columnist is to be right about issues others don't see coming or don't have the courage/intellect to address.
[Let's remember he started the article with this "goal," shall we?]
Ball State's football season perfectly illustrated my problem with ESPN and why I believe the World Wide Leader is the most evil and destructive force in the sports world.
[Remember when ESPN fired you in September 2006? Yeah, I bet this has nothing to do with that. Not at all.]
ESPN is the enemy of the truth, and all who believe a pursuit of the truth is the lifeblood of a genuinely free society must stand against the Wal-Mart-ization of sports journalism.
[Enemy of truth?? Heavy stuff. Whitlock must have a grave and sober reason for reaching such a critical and stern conclusion....]
I reached this conclusion when trying to figure out why Ball State quarterback Nate Davis isn't one of the top-five Heisman Trophy candidates and Ball State coach Brady Hoke isn't the front-runner for national coach of the year.
[Yep, sounds about right.]
Do not laugh.
[No, sorry. I'm not. I just have a tickle in my throat. Honest.]
I'm cold and rational now when I tell you that Nate Davis is the best player in college football....
[I bet that Whitlock has plenty of relevant and objective evidence to support this claim.]
It's difficult to believe now, but in 1982 the 10 top vote-getters were all actually really, really good college football players: Herschel Walker, John Elway, Eric Dickerson, Anthony Carter, David Rimington, Todd Blackledge, Tom Ramsey, Tony Eason, Dan Marino and Mike Rozier.
[OK??]
Since 2000, here are your Heisman Trophy winners: Chris Weinke, Eric Crouch, Carson Palmer, Jason White, Matt Leinart, Reggie Bush, Troy Smith and Tim Tebow.
[OK, I get it. Playing QB = sucking at college football. It's a good thing that Whitlock isn't currently touting a Q-- oh.....]
The conversation about the Heisman Trophy and all things in sports has been dumbed down by the World Wide Leader. This year the network pretty much decided you had to play quarterback in the Big 12 to be in consideration for the Heisman Trophy.
[Totally agree. ESPN's conscious decision to promote three random QBs from the midwest (a huge ratings hotbed) actually caused McCoy, Bradford and Harrell to put up monster numbers. It's science.]
Here's what's more frustrating. Not one of the Big 12's quarterbacks is in the same physical ballpark as Ball State's Nate Davis. It's not close.
[Putting aside the fact that that statement is false (Sam Bradford is 6'-4", 220 lbs -- who's the enemy of truth now??), I didn't realize that Heisman voters were supposed to take the oft-overlooked "physical ballpark" trait into consideration when selecting a winner. Shows how much I know.]
They can't match his resume. Getting Ball State to 12-0 under the best circumstances is far more difficult than getting Oklahoma to 11-1. I know Ball State's schedule isn't as difficult as Oklahoma's. I also know Bradford is surrounded by far more talent than Davis.
[LOGIC FAIL.]
Nate Davis has the tools to be better than Tom Brady.
[jnadsuiosdafnjkl;ladfnanjlka;lmkoin
Sorry. I just blacked out and hit my forehead on the keyboard.]
If you watch Nate Davis play, he looks like the second coming of Brett Favre.
[lknmdasbnf nmadnf;lasdfnnl;kadfn
I am going to put on a padded head-band for the duration of this article.
If these comparisons are true, how the hell could ESPN have missed this guy!?!]
Now, ESPN2 has broadcast Ball State's last four games.
[Oh.]
Let me tell you what passes for courage and independent thinking at ESPN. Chris Fowler dropped Ball State out of his AP top-25 ballot last week....
[(shaking fist towards sky) FOWLER!!!]
He has never been a professional journalist a day in his life.
[Exactly. C'mon, Fowler! Act like a freakin' professional for once! Here, watch and learn from a true pro....]
I'm not 100 percent sure, but I'd suspect he hasn't worn a jock since junior high school.
[Jason Whitlock: Professionalism incarnate.]
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Jason Whitlock is an Insane Person: Vol. 3
I'm waiting for Whitlock to write a column that we WON'T be forced to mock. Today, Whitlock identifies the 10 best and 10 worst coaches in the NFL this year. His choices are fine, I guess. His rationale behind a few of the choices is, as we hoped, stellar.
Let's start with some of the 10 best coaches.
Jeff Fisher - Titans.
Most people would put Fisher at the top of this list. I don't because the Titans are undefeated mainly because Vince Young got hurt and went momentarily kooky.
[See, I was going to say that the Titans are undefeated mainly because they have given up the fewest points in the entire league (13.0 per game). But having your QB develop a mental disorder that results in suicidal tendencies is a good reason too. So listen up, Detroit, St. Louis, San Fran. Your atrocious defenses are not the cause of your losing ways. It's your QBs. And no, not their performance. It's their mental health and stability. (Although Jon Kitna is REALLY Christian; does that count?)]
Mike Smith - Falcons.
I honestly don't know anything about Smith. I don't know where he came from. I don't know whether he's a defensive-minded coach or offensive.
[I just spent 15 minutes trying to think of something witty to say here, but couldn't come up with anything that was funnier than Whitlock's actual rationale. So let me take this time to say that I rented "Cool Hand Luke" the other day, thinking that it would be a movie I would really like. Paul Newman as a rebel bad-ass, alpha male, defying the loser chain gang brass. But you know what? It was boring. Nothing happened. And what was with that random 20-minute egg-eating contest scene? Gross. At least "Ed" from the Naked Gun movies was in it. That dude cracks me up. Anyway, back to Whitlock's analysis of Mike Smith....]
But there's no doubt he's done a wonderful job developing Matt Ryan.
[Even though Whitlock didn't bother to look this up, Mike Smith was a long-time DEFENSIVE coordinator. So I'm not sure how much "developing" we can credit him with vis a vis Matt Ryan.]
And I'll give Smith credit for signing Michael Turner and making him a feature back.
[Ummm, kind of sounds like something that the GM deserves credit for, no?]
Ken Whisenhunt - Cardinals.
Whisenhunt loses a few points because he coaches in the NFC West.
[I compiled my list of best and worst coaches using the same rubric: Does your division totally suck? If yes, you are a bad coach. But because I'm in a good mood I will put you on the "10 Best" list anyways. Although I might say a few more things that make it sound like I think you are a crappy coach.]
The Cardinals are a nice story. But there's no reason to take them seriously.
[To quote J. Peterman, "Kudos, Ken, on a job... done."]
John Harbaugh - Ravens.
Harbaugh also gets the luxury of coaching the Ravens at a time when Ray Lewis is putting the finishing touches on a Hall of Fame career and making his closing argument for being the best middle linebacker of all time. It's illegal to run on the Ravens this season.
[No real problem with his argument here. I just liked the irony of juxtaposing Ray Lewis' name with using the word "illegal" in a complimentary way. A few years ago, that might have been awkward.]
OK, let's quickly hit a few of Whitlock's 10 worst.
Sean Payton - Saints.
I don't have a real problem with Payton.
[OK?]
Mike Shanahan - Broncos.
I consider Shanahan one of the game's great coaches.
[Ummmm, alright?]
Mike Singletary - 49ers.
Singletary has a chance to be a great NFL coach.
[I am starting to get dizzy.]
Signing off here, Boss!
Let's start with some of the 10 best coaches.
Jeff Fisher - Titans.
Most people would put Fisher at the top of this list. I don't because the Titans are undefeated mainly because Vince Young got hurt and went momentarily kooky.
[See, I was going to say that the Titans are undefeated mainly because they have given up the fewest points in the entire league (13.0 per game). But having your QB develop a mental disorder that results in suicidal tendencies is a good reason too. So listen up, Detroit, St. Louis, San Fran. Your atrocious defenses are not the cause of your losing ways. It's your QBs. And no, not their performance. It's their mental health and stability. (Although Jon Kitna is REALLY Christian; does that count?)]
Mike Smith - Falcons.
I honestly don't know anything about Smith. I don't know where he came from. I don't know whether he's a defensive-minded coach or offensive.
[I just spent 15 minutes trying to think of something witty to say here, but couldn't come up with anything that was funnier than Whitlock's actual rationale. So let me take this time to say that I rented "Cool Hand Luke" the other day, thinking that it would be a movie I would really like. Paul Newman as a rebel bad-ass, alpha male, defying the loser chain gang brass. But you know what? It was boring. Nothing happened. And what was with that random 20-minute egg-eating contest scene? Gross. At least "Ed" from the Naked Gun movies was in it. That dude cracks me up. Anyway, back to Whitlock's analysis of Mike Smith....]
But there's no doubt he's done a wonderful job developing Matt Ryan.
[Even though Whitlock didn't bother to look this up, Mike Smith was a long-time DEFENSIVE coordinator. So I'm not sure how much "developing" we can credit him with vis a vis Matt Ryan.]
And I'll give Smith credit for signing Michael Turner and making him a feature back.
[Ummm, kind of sounds like something that the GM deserves credit for, no?]
Ken Whisenhunt - Cardinals.
Whisenhunt loses a few points because he coaches in the NFC West.
[I compiled my list of best and worst coaches using the same rubric: Does your division totally suck? If yes, you are a bad coach. But because I'm in a good mood I will put you on the "10 Best" list anyways. Although I might say a few more things that make it sound like I think you are a crappy coach.]
The Cardinals are a nice story. But there's no reason to take them seriously.
[To quote J. Peterman, "Kudos, Ken, on a job... done."]
John Harbaugh - Ravens.
Harbaugh also gets the luxury of coaching the Ravens at a time when Ray Lewis is putting the finishing touches on a Hall of Fame career and making his closing argument for being the best middle linebacker of all time. It's illegal to run on the Ravens this season.
[No real problem with his argument here. I just liked the irony of juxtaposing Ray Lewis' name with using the word "illegal" in a complimentary way. A few years ago, that might have been awkward.]
OK, let's quickly hit a few of Whitlock's 10 worst.
Sean Payton - Saints.
I don't have a real problem with Payton.
[OK?]
Mike Shanahan - Broncos.
I consider Shanahan one of the game's great coaches.
[Ummmm, alright?]
Mike Singletary - 49ers.
Singletary has a chance to be a great NFL coach.
[I am starting to get dizzy.]
Signing off here, Boss!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Jason Whitlock is an Insane Person: Vol. 2
Remember that scene in Tommy Boy where David Spade's character is unsuccessfully and glibly trying to find some random city on a map in the presence of the attendant?
Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm.
Richard: Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.
Well, Whitlock's column today is kind of like that, except not funny.
It is very brave and quite magnanimous for The Great Weis Hope to throw his offensive coordinator under the bus by publicly announcing his decision to reclaim leadership of the Notre Dame offense with defensive powerhouses Navy and Syracuse on the Irish schedule.
[Yikes. That was the first sentence. This might get ugly.
EDIT: Keep this "throw his offensive coordinator under the bus" accusation in the back of your mind when you get to the end of this post.]
Too often, I waste column inches blasting Charlie Weis, Notre Dame and the lifetime contract awarded to an unproven blowhard."
[Ten years apparently = "lifetime" to Whitlock. But whatever. Close enough. I mean, maybe 10 years is actually all that Weis has left. That dude doesn't look healthy.]
As you can see, a week after battling the nation's 10th-best defense (Boston College), it's extremely noble for Weis to alert the media of his plans to fix Notre Dame's offense.
[Battling? Really? 290+ yards of total offense and a goose-egg on the scoreboard = battling? And granted, BC does have a quality defense, but their statistics are somewhat skewed by the fact that they got to play (and shutout) Kent State and Rhode Island early in the season. In the four games immediately preceding the ND affair, the BC defense gave up 31, 23, 45 and 27 points, respectively. Not exactly the '85 Bears here, Whitlock.]
Weis is a bully and a coward, and his well-timed announcement that he would abandon this "head coach stuff" so he could bail out his offense proves my contentions.
[Seriously, what is Weis' problem, wanting to "bail out his offense" and put some points on the board? That is suuuuuuuuch a dick move. Contentions proved!]
He's planning on the Irish averaging 35 points the next two weeks and selling his impatient fan base on the myth that he's making real progress. He's hoping the media will assist him in selling this lie.
[Last year ND lost to Navy (and went 3-9). So one might call 35 points and a corresponding win over Navy this year and a final 7-5 record...... oh, shoot, what's that word...... it means advancement or development in a positive way...... damn, it's on the tip of my tongue....]
Weis is an average college head coach with horrendous people skills. That's not a good combination. Bobby Knight had poor people skills, a brilliant mind and a superior work ethic. Nick Saban is a football Bobby Knight.
[Two BCS bowls in 3 seasons = average? Cool. Random Nick Saban reference, but I'm sure he'll tie that in somehow.]
Weis might be a reverse of Pete Carroll, who bombed in the pros and excelled in the collegiate game. Coaching in the NFL is easier.
[Ohhh, there's the Nick Saban tie-in. Oh, wait. Saban bombed in the NFL too. Just like Pete Carroll. Just like Steve Spurrier. Just like Bobby Petrino. Just like... seriously, should I keep going, Whitlock? This is an ARGUMENT FAIL.]
I'll be rooting for Notre Dame this weekend. I want Charlie Weis at Notre Dame as long as I'm a columnist. His failures and the rationalizations offered up by Notre Dame fans are worth two to three columns a year.
[True. No other fan base offers rationalizations of ANY kind with respect to their team. Ever. Stupid Catholics and their forgiveness....
I was curious to read Weis' actual statements vis a vis this move. And, I must say, Whitlock was tone-perfect in his analysis: Quoting the Associated Press, "Weis said at his news conference Tuesday he is taking over the play calling for at least one game because offensive coordinator Mike Haywood will miss some practices this week to attend a funeral of a family member in Houston."
Whitlock is sooooo right. Weis is an ass. Who cares if Haywood misses a bunch of practices this week. ND can just run the same plays against Navy that they ran last week against B--, oh, wait.... Whoops.]
Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm.
Richard: Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.
Well, Whitlock's column today is kind of like that, except not funny.
It is very brave and quite magnanimous for The Great Weis Hope to throw his offensive coordinator under the bus by publicly announcing his decision to reclaim leadership of the Notre Dame offense with defensive powerhouses Navy and Syracuse on the Irish schedule.
[Yikes. That was the first sentence. This might get ugly.
EDIT: Keep this "throw his offensive coordinator under the bus" accusation in the back of your mind when you get to the end of this post.]
Too often, I waste column inches blasting Charlie Weis, Notre Dame and the lifetime contract awarded to an unproven blowhard."
[Ten years apparently = "lifetime" to Whitlock. But whatever. Close enough. I mean, maybe 10 years is actually all that Weis has left. That dude doesn't look healthy.]
As you can see, a week after battling the nation's 10th-best defense (Boston College), it's extremely noble for Weis to alert the media of his plans to fix Notre Dame's offense.
[Battling? Really? 290+ yards of total offense and a goose-egg on the scoreboard = battling? And granted, BC does have a quality defense, but their statistics are somewhat skewed by the fact that they got to play (and shutout) Kent State and Rhode Island early in the season. In the four games immediately preceding the ND affair, the BC defense gave up 31, 23, 45 and 27 points, respectively. Not exactly the '85 Bears here, Whitlock.]
Weis is a bully and a coward, and his well-timed announcement that he would abandon this "head coach stuff" so he could bail out his offense proves my contentions.
[Seriously, what is Weis' problem, wanting to "bail out his offense" and put some points on the board? That is suuuuuuuuch a dick move. Contentions proved!]
He's planning on the Irish averaging 35 points the next two weeks and selling his impatient fan base on the myth that he's making real progress. He's hoping the media will assist him in selling this lie.
[Last year ND lost to Navy (and went 3-9). So one might call 35 points and a corresponding win over Navy this year and a final 7-5 record...... oh, shoot, what's that word...... it means advancement or development in a positive way...... damn, it's on the tip of my tongue....]
Weis is an average college head coach with horrendous people skills. That's not a good combination. Bobby Knight had poor people skills, a brilliant mind and a superior work ethic. Nick Saban is a football Bobby Knight.
[Two BCS bowls in 3 seasons = average? Cool. Random Nick Saban reference, but I'm sure he'll tie that in somehow.]
Weis might be a reverse of Pete Carroll, who bombed in the pros and excelled in the collegiate game. Coaching in the NFL is easier.
[Ohhh, there's the Nick Saban tie-in. Oh, wait. Saban bombed in the NFL too. Just like Pete Carroll. Just like Steve Spurrier. Just like Bobby Petrino. Just like... seriously, should I keep going, Whitlock? This is an ARGUMENT FAIL.]
I'll be rooting for Notre Dame this weekend. I want Charlie Weis at Notre Dame as long as I'm a columnist. His failures and the rationalizations offered up by Notre Dame fans are worth two to three columns a year.
[True. No other fan base offers rationalizations of ANY kind with respect to their team. Ever. Stupid Catholics and their forgiveness....
I was curious to read Weis' actual statements vis a vis this move. And, I must say, Whitlock was tone-perfect in his analysis: Quoting the Associated Press, "Weis said at his news conference Tuesday he is taking over the play calling for at least one game because offensive coordinator Mike Haywood will miss some practices this week to attend a funeral of a family member in Houston."
Whitlock is sooooo right. Weis is an ass. Who cares if Haywood misses a bunch of practices this week. ND can just run the same plays against Navy that they ran last week against B--, oh, wait.... Whoops.]
Friday, October 31, 2008
Jason Whitlock is an Insane Person: Vol. 1
This is a joke, right? Right??
I'd like to see commissioner Roger Goodell turn the league's "discipline problem" into an offseason, reality-TV show....
[Isn't that called the NFL Draft Combine?]
The commissioner needs a tool to reward players for good behavior and punish players for bad behavior. Major League Baseball has an arbitration system.
[Non sequitur much?]
Here's how it would work:
[(sliding to edge of seat)]
At the end of the season, each NFL team would be allowed to recommend two players be sentenced to offseason Arbitration Court. A team could charge one player with a felony, seek to have his entire contract voided, a return of the unearned, pro-rated portions of his signing bonus and a one-year ban from the league.
[You know what? I'm not even sure I can sufficiently mock this. Seriously, Whitlock? Ugh. For starters, Arbitration Court? Isn't "arbitration" a mechanism expressly outside the context of a court? (I just looked it up. I'm right.) Secondly, a team could charge one player with a felony?? What is this, Police Academy 4? Whitlock may be onto something with that last idea, though. Contract litigation would make for great TV.]
The cases would be tried and aired in March before the draft, eight teams per week. Misdemeanor trials would last four hours of evidence presentation, 30 minutes for closing arguments and 30 minutes for juries to deliberate and vote. The felony cases could stretch over two days.
[Now you know why this is Vol. 1. You would expect more iterations of this post too, right?]
NFL players would love it.
[Except for the illegal contract terminations and public shaming.]
OK, Whitlock. That's enough crazy for today.
I'd like to see commissioner Roger Goodell turn the league's "discipline problem" into an offseason, reality-TV show....
[Isn't that called the NFL Draft Combine?]
The commissioner needs a tool to reward players for good behavior and punish players for bad behavior. Major League Baseball has an arbitration system.
[Non sequitur much?]
Here's how it would work:
[(sliding to edge of seat)]
At the end of the season, each NFL team would be allowed to recommend two players be sentenced to offseason Arbitration Court. A team could charge one player with a felony, seek to have his entire contract voided, a return of the unearned, pro-rated portions of his signing bonus and a one-year ban from the league.
[You know what? I'm not even sure I can sufficiently mock this. Seriously, Whitlock? Ugh. For starters, Arbitration Court? Isn't "arbitration" a mechanism expressly outside the context of a court? (I just looked it up. I'm right.) Secondly, a team could charge one player with a felony?? What is this, Police Academy 4? Whitlock may be onto something with that last idea, though. Contract litigation would make for great TV.]
The cases would be tried and aired in March before the draft, eight teams per week. Misdemeanor trials would last four hours of evidence presentation, 30 minutes for closing arguments and 30 minutes for juries to deliberate and vote. The felony cases could stretch over two days.
[Now you know why this is Vol. 1. You would expect more iterations of this post too, right?]
NFL players would love it.
[Except for the illegal contract terminations and public shaming.]
OK, Whitlock. That's enough crazy for today.
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