Pete Fiutak and Jason Whitlock Might Throw Down

Even as an admitted ND-apologist, I found Pete Fiutak's take on Weis' retention to be a bit much-- but I also enjoyed it because I spent most of the time picturing Jason Whitlock reading it.

Charlie Weis just isn't all that bad a head coach.

[The only thing that would have made this thesis statement better would have been if Fiutak somehow managed to zing Ball State as well.]

Don't let anyone try to tell you that a coach can't win big at Notre Dame anymore. It's the opposite. It's hard for a coach not to win at Notre Dame.

[Did I forget to mention that this article was written in 1966?]

Weis has built the program to this point, and while the performance against USC might have been a nightmare, the season is a few plays away from not being all that bad.

[The "but if X hadn't happened..." argument is always a winner.]

Veteran teams win the close games like the 29-21 loss at North Carolina, and next year, Notre Dame will be a veteran team.

[Oh, "experience."]

Jason Whitlock is an Insane Person: Vol. 2

Remember that scene in Tommy Boy where David Spade's character is unsuccessfully and glibly trying to find some random city on a map in the presence of the attendant?

Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm.
Richard: Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.

Well, Whitlock's column today is kind of like that, except not funny.

It is very brave and quite magnanimous for The Great Weis Hope to throw his offensive coordinator under the bus by publicly announcing his decision to reclaim leadership of the Notre Dame offense with defensive powerhouses Navy and Syracuse on the Irish schedule.

[Yikes. That was the first sentence. This might get ugly.

EDIT: Keep this "throw his offensive coordinator under the bus" accusation in the back of your mind when you get to the end of this post.]

Too often, I waste column inches blasting Charlie Weis, Notre Dame and the lifetime contract awarded to an unproven blowhard."

[Ten years apparently = "lifetime" to Whitlock. But whatever. Close enough. I mean, maybe 10 years is actually all that Weis has left. That dude doesn't look healthy.]

As you can see, a week after battling the nation's 10th-best defense (Boston College), it's extremely noble for Weis to alert the media of his plans to fix Notre Dame's offense.

[Battling? Really? 290+ yards of total offense and a goose-egg on the scoreboard = battling? And granted, BC does have a quality defense, but their statistics are somewhat skewed by the fact that they got to play (and shutout) Kent State and Rhode Island early in the season. In the four games immediately preceding the ND affair, the BC defense gave up 31, 23, 45 and 27 points, respectively. Not exactly the '85 Bears here, Whitlock.]

Weis is a bully and a coward, and his well-timed announcement that he would abandon this "head coach stuff" so he could bail out his offense proves my contentions.

[Seriously, what is Weis' problem, wanting to "bail out his offense" and put some points on the board? That is suuuuuuuuch a dick move. Contentions proved!]

He's planning on the Irish averaging 35 points the next two weeks and selling his impatient fan base on the myth that he's making real progress. He's hoping the media will assist him in selling this lie.

[Last year ND lost to Navy (and went 3-9). So one might call 35 points and a corresponding win over Navy this year and a final 7-5 record...... oh, shoot, what's that word...... it means advancement or development in a positive way...... damn, it's on the tip of my tongue....]

Weis is an average college head coach with horrendous people skills. That's not a good combination. Bobby Knight had poor people skills, a brilliant mind and a superior work ethic. Nick Saban is a football Bobby Knight.

[Two BCS bowls in 3 seasons = average? Cool. Random Nick Saban reference, but I'm sure he'll tie that in somehow.]

Weis might be a reverse of Pete Carroll, who bombed in the pros and excelled in the collegiate game. Coaching in the NFL is easier.

[Ohhh, there's the Nick Saban tie-in. Oh, wait. Saban bombed in the NFL too. Just like Pete Carroll. Just like Steve Spurrier. Just like Bobby Petrino. Just like... seriously, should I keep going, Whitlock? This is an ARGUMENT FAIL.]

I'll be rooting for Notre Dame this weekend. I want Charlie Weis at Notre Dame as long as I'm a columnist. His failures and the rationalizations offered up by Notre Dame fans are worth two to three columns a year.

[True. No other fan base offers rationalizations of ANY kind with respect to their team. Ever. Stupid Catholics and their forgiveness....

I was curious to read Weis' actual statements vis a vis this move. And, I must say, Whitlock was tone-perfect in his analysis: Quoting the Associated Press, "Weis said at his news conference Tuesday he is taking over the play calling for at least one game because offensive coordinator Mike Haywood will miss some practices this week to attend a funeral of a family member in Houston."

Whitlock is sooooo right. Weis is an ass. Who cares if Haywood misses a bunch of practices this week. ND can just run the same plays against Navy that they ran last week against B--, oh, wait.... Whoops.]