bill simmons talks basketball. sorta.

Bill Simmons makes less and less sense as the years go on.

It goes beyond the blatant homerism and self-indulgent name dropping and references to his kids (a mention in every other column is the journalistic equivalent of a guy on the plane showing you the photos of his kids he has in his wallet to illustrate every story about them that he tells)…he just makes no sense anymore.

Consider his latest article:

First impressions matter more in basketball than in any other sport, and they can be savored only in person.

Equivalent sentences that make no sense:
- Solid multiplication skills matter more in trigonometry than in any other high school-level math course, and they can be savored only on the second Thursday of every month
- Smelling good matters more when dating blond chicks than any other hair color of girl, and a good smell can only be savored by people wearing jackets
- Writing sports columns relies on ridiculously un-provable assertions more than any other kind of writing, and those assertions can only be savored by old school sports fans who grew up not questioning crap like this

Players can't hide behind pads or helmets, so we can stare at them, evaluate every move they make: running, jumping, walking, even ogling the cheerleaders.

Apparently, one cannot stare at soccer players, swimmers, tennis players, baseball players, or golfers doing their sport (though he does have a point about ogling the cheerleaders…) and, also apparently, staring at these players can only be done in person. Television, which is a visual relay of what is ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN THE GAME AT THE MOMENT and OFTEN OFFERS BETTER ANGLES AND MORE CLOSE-UPS THAN MY SEATS FOR THE TIMBERWOLVES, does not allow viewers to stare at the players. It does, however, make bloggers write in all caps.

We can see every ripple and tattoo.

Again, not from my seats.

As an aside though, basketball does lead all professional sports in visible tattoos on both a nominal and real scale…which is totally meaningless to me because it has nothing to do with sports. But thanks, Bill, for bringing that up.

If they're lazy, we can tell.

Please note: only your first impression is valid, and this sort of intricate insider-sports type of reaction is not available to anyone who watches sports on television. It’s too intricate. And insider-sports. You have to be there. Preferably with a press pass.

If they have a lousy attitude, we can tell.

Again though, one can tell only on the first impression. And only in person. Bad attitudes don’t translate to television, which is why nobody could tell that Drew Gooden was a dickhead – only a few people in Cleveland and Salt Lake City ever really got a chance to see him in person.

If their teammates dislike them, we can tell.

Of course, not only is this absolutely critical in understanding their abilities as a player and effectiveness on the team, but it can only be ascertained in the few seconds that inform a first impression. And said first impression can only be formed from an angled view over the 30 rows of other people in an actual basketball arena. Preferably if your vision and judgment is improved by a press pass.

It's the most naked sport, if that makes sense.

Except for, say, swimming, diving or water polo.

And I mean that in two ways, both in the fact that those sports have people wearing fewer clothes than in basketball (haha – naked! I made a funny…maybe I should mention that I used to write for Jimmy Kimmel) and in the fact that those sports offer pretty good visibility of the competitors. Even on TV.

Sure, Brady Quinn is Handsome, But is He Less Awful at Football than Derek Anderson?

Despite the fact that Derek Anderson has the single worst QB Rating of any NFL QB who has attempted at least 200 passes this season, James Walker isn't so sure about this whole Brady Quinn business.

The Brady Quinn era starts Thursday night for the Cleveland Browns. But why does it feel more like an experiment?

[Hmmm, I guess technically there is an experimental element here because Quinn is a relative unknown with respect to the NFL, but isn't that kind of the idea?? Did I already mention the part about Anderson being the worst QB in the NFL this season based on the numbers?]

Cleveland is 3-5, and although the organization said it's not quitting on its season, giving the football to an inexperienced quarterback with no career starts is risky.

[Again, true. But do you know what else is risky? Giving the football to DEREK ANDERSON. The dude is bad at football.]

"Knock on wood. I hope the guy doesn't fall on his face," [Browns Head Coach] Crennel said.

[Suck on that motivational gem, Lombardi! I bet in the off-season that Crennel is the guy that comes up with all of those "Teamwork" and "Determination" posters that have the inspiring images of people climbing mountains and achieving stuff.]

Peter King Gets Paid For This: Vol. 2

After delighting his readers with a missive from Saints LB Scott Fujita about why voting is important (yep, the same Scott Fujita who injured himself at a water park last year), Petey returns to his weekly Tuesday ritual of interacting with his adoring fans via the internets!

From Jason, of Norwalk, Conn.: "Love your column. Since we are at the midseason point I am wondering who gets your vote for MVP? I think a legit case can be made for Matt Ryan. Playing the toughest position in all of sports for a team that drafted in the top three and still having a winning record and avoiding the killer rookie mistakes? And the throw he made with seven seconds left to beat the Bears looked like an MVP throw to me...."

[Nice point made by Jason here. When I started to think about who I would consider for MVP at the mid-way point of the NFL season, I also based my analysis largely on the "Who Made The Single Most Awesome Throw Through Eight Sixty-Minute Football Games" category.]

I've given this one a lot of thought, and if I had to pick the most deserving MVPs, 1 through 10, it would be: Kurt Warner, Matt Ryan (your argument, Jason, is an excellent one), Jason Campbell (despite an awful game last night)....

[Yep. So Petey is on board with Jason's masterful analysis. And not to be outdone by a novice head-scratcher, Petey throws Jason Campbell's name into the mix only to immediately point out that he was beyond atrocious in his most prominently featured game of the season. I feel good about this.]

From Josh Wymard, of Vero Beach, Fla.: "As good as Matt Ryan has been, I have to take issue with your comment that, "You'd have to go back to Peyton Manning to find a rookie quarterback as poised and full of promise as Ryan." Big Ben was 13-1 as a rookie in 2004 and led the Steelers to the AFC Championship game with a 98.1 QB rating. Not too shabby."

[Reminder: King gets paid to do this. Josh from Vero Beach, Florida does not.]

You're right. I blew that one.

[(nodding self-righteously)]

Oh, and just to go back to the Matt Ryan-for-MVP nonsense for a moment. Look, Ryan is playing pretty well. He's exceeding expectations for a rookie QB. But let's settle waaaay down. Not to take the air out of Petey's new man-crush, but let's consider the following:

In the five games that Atlanta has won this season, Ryan has had the luxury of facing the 32nd, 31st, 20th, 18th and 28th ranked defenses (out of 32). Those opponents have a combined 12-28 record. His numbers against those teams are solid (7 TDs, 1 INT, 69.7 comp %).

In the three games that Atlanta has lost this season, Ryan has faced the 6th, 8th and 5th ranked defenses. Those opponents have a combined 17-8 record. His numbers against those teams suck (2 TDs, 4 INTs, 48.3 comp%).

I'm not saying that you shouldn't be optimistic if you are a Falcons fan, but Petey just said that Matt Ryan is the SECOND MOST valuable player in the entire NFL this season. Oh, wait, but I keep forgetting that one awesome throw he had that one time....

Peter King Gets Paid For This: Vol. 1

Mondays are rough, I know. But at least we have the weekly gift that is Peter King's column to jump-start the week!

My take on this week, and the first half of this NFL season, is this: The good teams, and the pleasant surprises, are the teams that plan for the future while trying to win championships today.

[This is what I'm talking about! Love it. Petey never fails to blow my mind. The good teams are the teams that try to win?? That's genius. No. INgenius! See? I told you Mondays weren't so bad.]

Todd Herremans with a touchdown catch. Brent Celek with a 100-yard receiving day. That's some wacky stuff Andy Reid did with his tight ends Sunday in Seattle.

[I know! THROWING to his tight ends! How does Reid think of this stuff?!?]

Three-hundredth career pick by Favre, and from the looks of him after the game, he didn't much care.

[Umm, he didn't seem too bothered by the first 299 (neither did the media). So why start fretting now? I mean, he's already got the most ever. I think he even threw an INT in that pick-up touch football game in his Wrangler commercial.]

[Matt] Ryan's mastery of the Atlanta offense is Year 2 Peyton Manning-like. That's no exaggeration.

[And by "no exaggeration" Petey obviously means "a sizeable exaggeration." Let's take Ryan's projected full-season numbers and compare them to Year 2 Peyton Manning's numbers:

Ryan: 3322 yards, 58.6 completion %, 18 TDs, 10 INTs, 85.4 QB rating.
Y2 Peyton: 4135 yards, 62.1 completion %, 26 TDs, 15 INTs, 90.7 QB rating.]

"They are an awesome duo," Collins said over the cell afterward.

[Sometimes I wish that Petey and I could talk over the cell too....]

Detroit defensive coordinator Joe Barry, under attack for having the worst statistical defense in the league this season, told Lions beat writers the other day that Detroit's 35 worst defensive snaps in their first seven games this year had yielded 1,202 total yards.... To illustrate, let's look at the worst two defenses in the NFL through eight weeks in yards per game, Detroit (32) and Kansas City (31), and see what would happen to each if their most generous 35 defensive snaps were removed from their total yards allowed....]

[It only took several hundred words, but there ya go, Petey! A well-thought out analysis based in objective evidence to call out a coach (Detroit DC Joe Barry) on a truly absurd comment. Proud of you, guy. I bet Petey finishes this segment with a real zinger to put an exclamation point on things....]

Barry is a good defensive coach.

[lkjhadsfoijuasdfkja...... Sorry. I just blacked out and banged my forehead on the keyboard.]

The smartest pro football player about college football players is St. Louis strong safety Corey Chavous, who is Kiperish in his study of the college game. After watching Florida's 49-10 wipeout of Georgia Saturday, he said of the Bulldog quarterback who threw three interceptions: "I'm still convinced Matthew Stafford is a number-one-overall-type pick -- Jeff George with a team-first attitude. He is going to be a good pro."

[Since when is comparing a QB to Jeff George a COMPLIMENT? But yeah, Corey Chavous is right. If George hadn't been so selfish and concerned with padding his stats, he would have completed waaaay more than 57.9% of his career passes. This one is definitely going in Stafford's scrapbook.]

I think this is the biggest mystery of the first half of the NFL season: Why can't the Jaguars run the ball? Certainly the porous guard play....

[Mystery solved??]

Halloween notes.... We had a Sarah Palin and a Carson Palmer and a bottle of mustard among the 240 door-knocking guests at the King house in New Jersey....

[Some kid dressed up as Carson Palmer? Weird.]

See you tomorrow, Petey!

Correction: Heyman Does Like Numbers, Just Pointless Ones

If there was an MVP for the whole year (including the postseason), my vote goes to Mr. Perfect, Brad Lidge.

[Ugh. OK, let's, for the sake of this ridiculous argument, assume that only guys who played for the Phillies are eligible for Heyman's mystical "MVP for the whole year" award. He watched Hamels, right? I mean, he probably did. Hamels plays for the same team as Mr. Perfect, after all. But maybe he didn't. If he had, it would have been kind of obvious, right?

Lidge: 78+ innings of 1.84 ERA and 1.20 WHIP (the "whole year")
Hamels: 262+ innings of 2.92 ERA and 1.05 WHIP (the "whole year").

Oh, and Lidge <<< Utley or Howard too. But whatever.]