We Get It. Jon Heyman Hates Math: Vol. 1

As we've long read, Jon Heyman loves to use his eyeballs. Unless it is to look at things that have been objectively quantified.

Gillick's success in Philly is another point in favor of scouts over stats in the debate about the value of the two strategies. Gillick puts a lot of faith in his scouts, employs a stable of experienced scouts and relies on their eyes rather than a bunch of numbers anyone can read.

[Scouting players that have awesome stats = a win for scouts over stats? Here's a list of the Phillies' first-round draft picks from 1997-2002: J.D. Drew, Pat Burrell, Brett Myers, Chase Utley, Gavin Floyd and Cole Hamels. Actually, that's pretty damn good. And the Phillies took Jimmy Rollins in the 2nd round in 1996 and nabbed Ryan Howard in the 5th round in 2001. Maybe Gillick does have an unbelievable eye. I mean, Gillick single-handedly built a World Series champion through the draft. Wait, let me just make sure I'm not...... oh. Jeez, this is embarrassing. Apparently Gillick didn't become GM of the Phillies until 2005. Hmmm, well now I'm just confused. The way Heyman talks, apparently "scouts" = inherenting a team with lots of dudes who have awesome stats. If so, then yes, scouts >> stats. I get it now. Thanks, Heyman!]

The Mariners' hiring of Jack Zduriencik as GM is an inspired call, though. It's somewhat surprising to see someone who's 57 get his first GM job, but it may reflect some new hesitancy on the part of some to go for another young Ivy League stat man.

[Some new hesitancy? Am I missing something? Theo Epstein is the best GM in baseball. Jon Daniels rebuilt the Rangers' farm system into the league's best. And how did Tampa Bay do this year? And Arizona last year? But sure, the Mariners probably don't want to be like any of those teams. Totally sucking at baseball is cool too.]

Jason Whitlock is an Insane Person: Vol. 1

This is a joke, right? Right??

I'd like to see commissioner Roger Goodell turn the league's "discipline problem" into an offseason, reality-TV show....

[Isn't that called the NFL Draft Combine?]

The commissioner needs a tool to reward players for good behavior and punish players for bad behavior. Major League Baseball has an arbitration system.

[Non sequitur much?]

Here's how it would work:

[(sliding to edge of seat)]

At the end of the season, each NFL team would be allowed to recommend two players be sentenced to offseason Arbitration Court. A team could charge one player with a felony, seek to have his entire contract voided, a return of the unearned, pro-rated portions of his signing bonus and a one-year ban from the league.

[You know what? I'm not even sure I can sufficiently mock this. Seriously, Whitlock? Ugh. For starters, Arbitration Court? Isn't "arbitration" a mechanism expressly outside the context of a court? (I just looked it up. I'm right.) Secondly, a team could charge one player with a felony?? What is this, Police Academy 4? Whitlock may be onto something with that last idea, though. Contract litigation would make for great TV.]

The cases would be tried and aired in March before the draft, eight teams per week. Misdemeanor trials would last four hours of evidence presentation, 30 minutes for closing arguments and 30 minutes for juries to deliberate and vote. The felony cases could stretch over two days.

[Now you know why this is Vol. 1. You would expect more iterations of this post too, right?]

NFL players would love it.

[Except for the illegal contract terminations and public shaming.]

OK, Whitlock. That's enough crazy for today.

The World's Largest Outdoor Tutoring Party!

Are you a schoolboy or schoolgal reading The Theorem right now wishing that grown-ups and other homework-huggers would just arbitrarily cancel school? Well, unfortunately, you are out of luck. Your studies are important. Now take out that TI-83 and get back to your-- wait...... I forgot about The South.

As explained by ESPN, Clarke County, Georgia gave learning a wedgie and stuffed it in a locker by cancelling school for the county today in the wake of the bally-hooed Georgia-Florida football game.

Probably a good move. I mean, this is a huge rivalry, and the Friday night games are always crazy and I'm sure traffic would be a-- wait, the game is tomorrow? And in Jacksonville?? Huh? OK, I'm sure there are plenty of reasonable and level-headed explanations:

Although some parents and teachers are questioning whether the day off places too much emphasis on football over academics, at least one school administrator believes it's a wise move on the district's part.

[On a scale of 1 to 10, my excitement to hear the rationale for this "wise move" is a strong 14.]

"I've heard parents say that it's ridiculous, but the reality of the situation is, if there are so many people in this system and this community that go to the game -- if that's a reality -- it's irresponsible [to have school on that day] if that really is our community," said Barrow Elementary School principal Tad MacMillan, according to the Athens Banner-Herald.

[Just a quick thought, Tad. I actually agree with you here. It would be irresponsible to have school on the day of the game..... because the game is on a SATURDAY.]

Oh, and this just in: Local prosecutors in Clark County have exhumed the body of John Scopes and will be re-trying him. Opening statements will begin Tuesday November 4th. All schools will be cancelled.

Are You Ready for Some Last-Minute Pandering!?

On the eve of the presidential election, with "Monday Night Football" from Washington as the backdrop, candidates Barack Obama and John McCain are planning to participate in one-on-one interviews on ESPN via satellite.

[Cool. I wonder who is going to do the interviews. Please don't say Chris Berman. Please don't say Chris Berman. Please don't say Chris Berman....]

ESPN's Chris Berman will do the segments earlier Monday, pending last-minute schedule changes by the candidates, and they'll air at halftime of the Redskins-Pittsburgh Steelers broadcast from D.C., the network announced.

[NOOOO! OK. New voting policy for us here at The Theorem. We will officially endorse whichever candidate orders ESPN to make Emmitt Smith conduct the interviews.]

Rays' WS No-Show Springs Hope Eternal!

I found Joe Maddon's post-game interview with Ken Rosenthal to be somewhat odd in that the dude appeared to be completely content. He wasn't upset at all. It was like the anti-Bill-Belicheck-Super-Bowl-post-game-interview. Apparently other people thought Maddon was on to something, though. Other people like Jerry Crasnick.

"Obviously, you want to win the World Series when you get to this particular juncture, but for us to get here this year is just unthinkable," Maddon said.

[Unthinkable? You won 97 games and took home a division that also has the Yankees and Red Sox. Sorry. Not pinch-hitting for J.P. Howell just because you want a lefty to throw sliders to Burrell in the next inning... that's closer to unthinkable. (P.S. How'd that work out, anyways?)]

"This World Series will provide us the best instructional video in the history of the organization."

[What, Tampa Bay has never hosted a Tom Emanski video shoot? Didn't the Rays even have Fred McGriff on the roster at some point?]

And wonder of wonders, the fans in Tampa-St. Petersburg turned out with enough numbers and fervor to drown out the traveling bands of Red Sox diehards in the ALCS. That will be part of the 2008 Rays' legacy.

[Dude, of course people are going to show up for playoff games. I'm pretty sure the Braves even drew a few hundred fans for their playoff games back in the Maddux-Glavine-Smoltz-Gant (yes, Ron Gant) era. Let's take it easy with the "wonders" and "legacy" talk. The Rays (who were awesome at baseball all season, mind you) packed the Trop to a degree that gave them the 26th lowest attendance average out of all 30 MLB teams. They averaged 7,000 less fans a game than did the Padres. And the Padres scored 17 runs this year.]

The Rays hit .212 as a team in the World Series, grounded into six double plays and got a combined 3-for-37 effort (.081) out of their Nos. 3-4 hitters, Evan Longoria and Carlos Pena. The defense, considered a team strength all year, committed five errors in five games. And the Rays seemed just a tick off their game when it counted.

[A tick off? Did Crasnick write the sentence about Longoria and Pena going 3-for-37, take a 3.5 hour nap, and then wake up and just start writing anew?? And what, those 34 ABs by the Rays' two best hitters aren't part of the "when it counted" portion of the Series?? Nope, you're right, Craz. The two isolated fielding and baserunning plays you cited are WAY more important than the 34 outs your 3-4 hitters woefully recorded. C'mon, Iwamura! C'mon, Bartlett! If you hadn't been such boneheads on those two plays, Longoria and Pena would have gone 28-for-34 in the Series with 17 home runs between them.]

Before the Series, the conventional wisdom was that the Phillies might be stale from their extended layoff after an easy win over Los Angeles in the NLCS. In hindsight, was it possible that the Rays paid an even bigger price for their seven-game marathon against Boston in the ALCS? Did the ordeal sap their emotions in a way that can't be measured?

[Wait, Craz knows of a way in which one CAN measure emotion sappage and he's not telling us!?! I've been researching this for years! I must have been focusing my experiments solely on the Rays-type of emotion sappage.... you know, the one that apparently can't be measured.]

The Rays will regard themselves differently, as well. A small payroll and inexperience will no longer be an excuse for coming up short.

[Wait, I thought we already established that it was the 3-for-37 turd laid by Longoria and Pena that caused them to come up short. No? OK.]

As the Rays settled into their seats on the bus for the trip to the airport, they knew they'd accomplished something special. Even the hollowness of the ending couldn't change that.

[That's right, Rays. I'm sure that you'll win 97 games and be huge World Series favorites (with home-field advantage) in each of the next 8 seasons. So, really, this whole no-show was no biggie. Enjoy the parade!]

Peter Gammons Hates the Rain

Stupid weather. Ruining Peter Gammons' enjoyment of the Series. I couldn't agree with him more:

Somewhere in the muck of Monday's episode of "The Perfect Storm Hits the World Series," the astute Julie Kicklighter texted, "the Trop doesn't look so bad right now."

[I had to Google "Julie Kicklighter," and I still don't know who he is talking about. And it certainly doesn't sound like someone who is "astute." But she texted Peter Gammons! I bet Gammons responded to her text with a text telling her how astute she is.]

So true. Almost forgiven is all the noise from the megaboard at Tropicana Field.

[Things that Peter Gammons doesn't like: (1) Precipitation; (2) Loud Noise. Things Gammons likes: (1) Julie Kicklighter.]

What could have been a fascinating World Series played by two teams with engaging young players has turned into the worst ever, unless you like baseball sprinkled in with ab machine infomercials and a 46-hour half-inning break.

[Wait, is Ted Stevens ghost-writing this article? Ab machine infomercials? You know who probably uses ab machines?? The engaging young players of which you speak.]

And as the winds and the rains and even the snowflakes rattled across Pennsylvania, there was no chance they could move the bottom of the sixth inning to St. Pete, similar to what happened in the 1959 Junior World Series between Gene Mauch's Minneapolis Millers and Preston Gomez's Havana Sugar Kings.

[Great point. This World Series sucks because it doesn't stack up to the "1959 Junior World Series." Who can forget those epic Sugar Kings teams?! That was when men were men (or, hombres, in the case of the '59 JWS).]

And remember, folks, next year's World Series is going to be a week later.

[Totally agree. This year's World Series sucks because NEXT year's World Series will REALLY suck. Ipso facto!]

When this World Series finally ends, there will be a great deal of discussion about how to avoid this sort of misery.

[Didn't China create crazy anti-rain rockets for the Olympics that they would just shoot up into the sky?? I bet Gammons knows a guy....]

There are a lot of questions that will be weighed after this, the worst World Series in memory. The first?

[Is the internet actually a series of tubes? Oh! And I bet the second question is about how awesome Julie Kicklighter is.]

obama, white sox fan

There are lots of reasons not to vote for Obama, but without getting too political or wonky (because this is, after all, supposed to be a blog about sports), I will give the one irrefutable, inarguable, cannot overcome-able reason not to vote for Obama:

He is a White Sox fan.

Does this mean that he beats up opposing team's coaches?

Does this mean that he idolizes and memorializes a group of proven cheaters who brought the game into its greatest moment of shame and disrepute?

Does this mean that he loves profanity?  Hates deodorant?  Lives off of taxpayer money?

Of those commonly held traits of White Sox fans, I can only confirm that Obama fits the last.

But I still won't vote for him.  

the theorem

There is a theorem that posits that a monkey, given infinite time, could randomly pound away at a keyboard and at some point during infinity put together a string of characters that would be in the exact order as the characters that make up the works of Shakespeare.

Sportswriters today, based on their output, are seemingly testing a version of that theorem.

Luckily for them, infinity is a long time.  They may end up randomly creating works of meaning and significance.

Lucky for you, we're here to skewer them.  Because, like I said, infinity is a long time.