Tiger, We Hardly Know Ye

Here's a truly bizarre piece by Edwin Pope of the Miami Herald about Tiger, and how the fact that we don't know anything really damaging about him makes him a jerk.

He is the greatest athlete the world has never known. And never will.

[Tiger Woods = Keyser Söze]

I wrote about 10 years ago that the only thing wrong with Tiger's future dominance was that we would never know him. At the time, I thought that sad.

[The only thing wrong with his FUTURE dominance?? That must have been a breakthrough column. "Tiger Woods: Young Phenom Destined for Greatness-- But also Sadness."]

Tiger has plenty to say, including how it must feel to be a future billionaire. But I sat through a 40-minute news conference with him here and he never said one word about himself that was worth printing.

[So...... I'm just going to write an entire article about how he didn't say anything worth printing.]

And he was too bland, as he almost always is, for it to be accidental. Only obsessive self-control seems to keep everything about him inside.

[I guess I should be happy that he said "seems."]

He talked about his wife, Elin, and their two children, who, he said, could save the worst golf day any human ever endured. Nothing about Tiger. Nothing that would give away the slightest hint of what he is all about.

[Frustrating, right? I mean, who talks about their family?? What an irrelevant topic! Tell me about things that are, you know, *important* to you.]

I have one rag-tag theory why he is like this, but it cannot be any more than a guess.

[But what the hell! Let's print it.

Professional.

Journalism.]

A friend of mine, one of golf's most prominent writers ever, has known every top golfer of the past 50 years, but he doesn't know Tiger.

[Here's a rag-tag theory of my own: Using the word "prominent" a little loosely, are we? Just a thought?]

On a different level, some expect Woods to at least occasionally refer to President Barack Obama, if for no other reason than Obama is the first black president.

[Apparently all minorities must make at least one audible reference to Obama per day? Can anyone confirm this?]

On the Obama matter, though, Tiger has been pointedly apolitical. He spoke at a Navy Glee Club affair at the Lincoln Memorial in connection with Obama's inauguration. Otherwise, no politics.

[The nerve! Who does Tiger think he is-- not forcing his personal views on all of us!?!]

Part of this is easy to understand. With a virtually limitless fortune to manage alongside his still-blazing golf ambition, he has no time to spare.

[While Pope, on the other hand, apparently has tons to spare!

What, exactly, does Pope actually want to *know* about Tiger? His favorite ice cream flavor? His Tivo recordings? His favorite Beatle?

Pointless.]

Losing breeds... winning?

Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel "explains" how Tracy McGrady's selfishness paved the way for Magic's future success.

And, to think, all these years I've been erroneously blaming Me-Mac for essentially quitting during the 2003-04 season when the Magic lost 19 consecutive games at one joyless juncture and finished the season with an NBA-worst 21-61 record.

[What does "essentially" quitting mean? Who cares-- attacking a guy's character here with vagaries here!]

Without the Magic's disastrous difficulties of five seasons ago, they would likely still be in a state of utter disrepair.

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Let me try to wrap my mind around this one: If the Magic weren't terrible five years ago, then they would probably STILL be terrible now..... even though (under this logical gem) they *weren't* terrible five years ago?]

Let's be honest, shall we? Without Dwight on the team, the Magic would today be the Bobcats, who took Emeka Okafor with the No. 2 pick in that 2004 draft. Actually, they might be worse than the Bobcats.

[Great point. If not for event X occuring, team A *might* be different.]

If McGrady had been a real leader who refused to give up in 2004 instead of the team captain who abandoned ship and sat out the final 10 games of that season with one of his mysterious ailments, the Magic might be the Grizzlies right now.

[Did I already mention that Bianchi thinks that McGrady is a total pansy? I mean, who gets injured or sick anyways?? Sounds bogus to me too....]

The San Antonio Spurs, coincidentally, were 21-61 the year before Tim Duncan arrived and have won four championships in the years since. Could the Magic conceivably be on a similar path? What better person to ask than....

[...Tim Duncan? The Spurs GM?]

...Magic reserve point guard Tyronn Lue, who was shipped to Houston along with McGrady after the calamitous 2004 season but now is back in Orlando.

[Or him. Done!]

It's Official: The Yankees' Off-Season Was a HUGE Fail

SI's Jon Heyman takes the completely appropriate perspective in dissecting the Yankees' off-season acquisitions of Sabathia and Teixiera.

The whole thing was such a letdown after the big buildup, yet manager Joe Girardi declared in the postgame press conference that he feels as good about this Yankees team as any team he's ever been associated with, big talk since Girardi was on the 1998 Yankees team that won 125 games.

[Yeah, Girardi. Idiot. You just lost a game. Totally not something that the '98 team would have done.]

Between Sabathia and Teixeira, the Yankees got zero return on their $341 million investment.

[Seriously. If Cashman knew that Sabathia and Teixeria were going to have a *single* bad game over the course of their lengthy multi-year contracts, he would have NEVER inked those deals. Spot on, Heyman. Kudos on a job....... done.]