Tiger, We Hardly Know Ye

Here's a truly bizarre piece by Edwin Pope of the Miami Herald about Tiger, and how the fact that we don't know anything really damaging about him makes him a jerk.

He is the greatest athlete the world has never known. And never will.

[Tiger Woods = Keyser Söze]

I wrote about 10 years ago that the only thing wrong with Tiger's future dominance was that we would never know him. At the time, I thought that sad.

[The only thing wrong with his FUTURE dominance?? That must have been a breakthrough column. "Tiger Woods: Young Phenom Destined for Greatness-- But also Sadness."]

Tiger has plenty to say, including how it must feel to be a future billionaire. But I sat through a 40-minute news conference with him here and he never said one word about himself that was worth printing.

[So...... I'm just going to write an entire article about how he didn't say anything worth printing.]

And he was too bland, as he almost always is, for it to be accidental. Only obsessive self-control seems to keep everything about him inside.

[I guess I should be happy that he said "seems."]

He talked about his wife, Elin, and their two children, who, he said, could save the worst golf day any human ever endured. Nothing about Tiger. Nothing that would give away the slightest hint of what he is all about.

[Frustrating, right? I mean, who talks about their family?? What an irrelevant topic! Tell me about things that are, you know, *important* to you.]

I have one rag-tag theory why he is like this, but it cannot be any more than a guess.

[But what the hell! Let's print it.

Professional.

Journalism.]

A friend of mine, one of golf's most prominent writers ever, has known every top golfer of the past 50 years, but he doesn't know Tiger.

[Here's a rag-tag theory of my own: Using the word "prominent" a little loosely, are we? Just a thought?]

On a different level, some expect Woods to at least occasionally refer to President Barack Obama, if for no other reason than Obama is the first black president.

[Apparently all minorities must make at least one audible reference to Obama per day? Can anyone confirm this?]

On the Obama matter, though, Tiger has been pointedly apolitical. He spoke at a Navy Glee Club affair at the Lincoln Memorial in connection with Obama's inauguration. Otherwise, no politics.

[The nerve! Who does Tiger think he is-- not forcing his personal views on all of us!?!]

Part of this is easy to understand. With a virtually limitless fortune to manage alongside his still-blazing golf ambition, he has no time to spare.

[While Pope, on the other hand, apparently has tons to spare!

What, exactly, does Pope actually want to *know* about Tiger? His favorite ice cream flavor? His Tivo recordings? His favorite Beatle?

Pointless.]