bill simmons talks basketball. sorta.

Bill Simmons makes less and less sense as the years go on.

It goes beyond the blatant homerism and self-indulgent name dropping and references to his kids (a mention in every other column is the journalistic equivalent of a guy on the plane showing you the photos of his kids he has in his wallet to illustrate every story about them that he tells)…he just makes no sense anymore.

Consider his latest article:

First impressions matter more in basketball than in any other sport, and they can be savored only in person.

Equivalent sentences that make no sense:
- Solid multiplication skills matter more in trigonometry than in any other high school-level math course, and they can be savored only on the second Thursday of every month
- Smelling good matters more when dating blond chicks than any other hair color of girl, and a good smell can only be savored by people wearing jackets
- Writing sports columns relies on ridiculously un-provable assertions more than any other kind of writing, and those assertions can only be savored by old school sports fans who grew up not questioning crap like this

Players can't hide behind pads or helmets, so we can stare at them, evaluate every move they make: running, jumping, walking, even ogling the cheerleaders.

Apparently, one cannot stare at soccer players, swimmers, tennis players, baseball players, or golfers doing their sport (though he does have a point about ogling the cheerleaders…) and, also apparently, staring at these players can only be done in person. Television, which is a visual relay of what is ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN THE GAME AT THE MOMENT and OFTEN OFFERS BETTER ANGLES AND MORE CLOSE-UPS THAN MY SEATS FOR THE TIMBERWOLVES, does not allow viewers to stare at the players. It does, however, make bloggers write in all caps.

We can see every ripple and tattoo.

Again, not from my seats.

As an aside though, basketball does lead all professional sports in visible tattoos on both a nominal and real scale…which is totally meaningless to me because it has nothing to do with sports. But thanks, Bill, for bringing that up.

If they're lazy, we can tell.

Please note: only your first impression is valid, and this sort of intricate insider-sports type of reaction is not available to anyone who watches sports on television. It’s too intricate. And insider-sports. You have to be there. Preferably with a press pass.

If they have a lousy attitude, we can tell.

Again though, one can tell only on the first impression. And only in person. Bad attitudes don’t translate to television, which is why nobody could tell that Drew Gooden was a dickhead – only a few people in Cleveland and Salt Lake City ever really got a chance to see him in person.

If their teammates dislike them, we can tell.

Of course, not only is this absolutely critical in understanding their abilities as a player and effectiveness on the team, but it can only be ascertained in the few seconds that inform a first impression. And said first impression can only be formed from an angled view over the 30 rows of other people in an actual basketball arena. Preferably if your vision and judgment is improved by a press pass.

It's the most naked sport, if that makes sense.

Except for, say, swimming, diving or water polo.

And I mean that in two ways, both in the fact that those sports have people wearing fewer clothes than in basketball (haha – naked! I made a funny…maybe I should mention that I used to write for Jimmy Kimmel) and in the fact that those sports offer pretty good visibility of the competitors. Even on TV.