These are a Few of my Favorite Things

You might be surprised to know that Bill Simmons and I share a number of traits. It’s true! And it makes me happier than my dog when he broke into the refrigerator and ate two hot dogs and half a bottle of ketchup.

1.We’re both graduates of the College of the Holy Cross.

2.We both write about sports.

3.We both have, at some point, lived in California.

4.We both like making lists.


And as I read his most recent list-laden column, I found myself nodding along. Mostly.

1. I want to catch a foul ball during a major league baseball game. I've come within about 6 feet twice in the double ohs. Never happened.

Me too!

And this one time, I went to a Frisco RoughRiders game and when I walked off to get beer and food this girl I was with bought a novelty baseball, scuffed it and rubbed it in the grass just outside the stadium (it’s the minor leagues, she could reach), and convinced the people we were with to pretend that she had caught it. I believed her. I blame the beer.

To her credit, she later bought a trophy holder for the ball with a little plaque that said she had caught it and gave the date. The trophy and call proudly sit in my living room.

When, one day, I catch a ball I will put it in a trophy and send it to her. This is my vow.

2. I want to see the Holy Cross men's hoops team pull off one March Madness upset. Rather than just leaving me upset.

Absolutely!

I was at Holy Cross for three heartbreakingly close NCAA tournament losses – to Tayshaun Prince’s Kentucky, Drew Gooden’s Kansas and Dwayne Wade’s Marquette. I firmly believe that small schools that value academics and graduate all of their athletes deserve a break. I have to deal with BC letting in flagrantly unqualified students to win a few games and then have to hear about it. Beating Notre Dame in the NIT does not count as an upset. My college’s alma mater is to the tune of “Oh Christmas Tree.”

I deserve this. We all deserve this.



3. I want to watch the baseball playoffs without hearing the voice of a certain announcer. House rules prevent me from sharing the name. In other news, did you know that, if you start an inning with a home run instead of a walk, you're more likely to have a multi-run inning?

Hear, hear!

I know what you’re thinking. How has he not mentioned Jimmy Kimmel yet?

4. I want one of my readers to strike it rich, purchase an NBA team and name me as general manager. Stranger things have happened. I mean, Mike Dunleavy continues to be the only coach-GM in the league. If the Clippers were a movie character, they'd be the mustachioed guy who bailed on De Niro's crew in "Heat," then gets found by De Niro lying on the ground after being beaten within an inch of his life. You know how Mustache Guy's life ended? He kept whispering, "please, please" to De Niro through battered lips, begging his friend to shoot him and put him out of his misery. And De Niro did. That's the Clippers right now. I think I have a chance.

Lukewarm agreement!

Though I do think it’s pathetic that Bill is begging to be GM of the Clippers (and trying to cover it up with a pop culture smokescreen), I gotta be honest and say that I wouldn’t say no to an offer to run the Royals so I see where he is coming from.

5. I want to finish 11-0 against the spread with my NFL playoff column.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

First of all, what are you doing betting against the spread?

Secondly, what are you doing wasting your fifth sporting wish?

Third, how in God’s name have you not mentioned Jimmy Kimmel yet?

That's probably the most realistic of the five remaining goals… Why couldn't I finish 11-0 for the playoffs? As always, we'll be leaning on my trusty Playoff Manifesto 4.0 (last updated in January '06), which should hopefully be useful during one of the single strangest Round 1s in recent NFL history.

Here’s a thought: maybe you couldn’t go 11-0 because you are making predictions based on a playoff betting guide that you made up in 2006 that hasn’t worked since its inception.

Or maybe because betting against the spread is stupendously dumb thing to do given the vagaries of luck and the fact that the line is set based on the number of people betting on each team, not on any actual performance or other factor. It’s like betting on how many cups of beer someone can drink based on how many people think that your guy can drink more than another. There is no correlation! The spread is a useless tool that allows Vegas to make money! How have you still not mentioned Jimmy Kimmel!

I feel like I am taking crazy pills.