Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Save a Championship Bath Robe for Jesus

What an article…we have contrasting emotions, outrageous hyperbole, filler sentences, a Kurt Warner/Jesus joke and championship bath robes. That’s right. Championship bath robes. Take it away, Dan Bickley:

In the dark minutes after Super Bowl XLIII, the contrast in emotions was striking.

Because, already prepared by sportswriter groupthink with the “it was a good loss” column, Bickley was surprised to see that the Cardinals were actually upset that they had lost.

He had figured that they would probably be pretty happy with themselves and that their emotions, despite the close loss, would be similar to the Steelers’. It was a woeful miscalculation.

Didn’t they know that this good loss was just like winning? Didn’t they know that they should be happy with their effort? Didn’t they know that they were ruining the premise of a thousand articles currently being written by sportswriters all across America?

Oh no, they didn’t.

The Steelers strolled toward the team bus wearing white championship bath robes and smoking cigars.

Championship bath robes. Just think about that for a second.


Bath robes.

I love professional sports.

They were in a state of collective ecstasy. Their lives had all changed forever, for the better, and they knew it.

I like hyperbole. Hyperbole, hyperbole, hyperbole. Get in my article.

The Cardinals were appropriately numb. The difference between winning and losing a Super Bowl is immense, emotionally, historically and financially.

Some other sentences that didn’t have to be written:

John McCain was appropriately numb. The difference between winning and losing a Presidential election is immense, emotionally, historically and financially.

The patient was appropriately numb. The difference between anesthesia and no anesthesia is immense, emotionally, physically and lawsuit-causingly.

Colonel Jessup will look back and think that he probably shouldn’t have ordered the Code Red.

Beer is awesome.

… What if someone had just pushed the Steelers' James Harrison out of bounds on that interception to end the first half? What if the Cardinals had gone to that explosive, no-huddle offense earlier in the game? What if the defense would've just stood up at the end? What if Santonio Holmes doesn't make one of the best catches in Super Bowl history, rivaling grabs from the Giants' David Tyree and the Steelers' Lynn Swann?

Then the Cardinals still probably have lost the game because Jesus was upset that Kurt Warner didn’t set aside a Championship Bath Robe for him.

1 comment:

Archie Leach said...

Nils, didn't you hear? Every single person in the Steelers org is an *awesome* person, and indulgences went out with Martin Luther. Do the math.

And while we're here, can we officially denounce all of the "this was the greatest SB ever" columns/media-talk? Three turnovers, a combined 2.4 yards-per-carry average rushing, and a total of 18 penalties for 162 yards (including a "holding" in the end-zone- brutal)? Sorry. Not impressed. The final three drives were really exciting. End of story.